Disclaimer

The issues I speak about in this post come from my experience. There are a million things that people find way more difficult regarding divorce than what’s listed here but the goal of writing this is to level with others that have gone through similar experiences. I hope you find comfort in knowing that you’re not alone with the feelings that you struggle with and if this does’t apply to you, then perhaps this is just a little insight into the hearts you sometimes have a hard time understanding.

Alright here we go.

My parents technically got divorced when I was a teenager. Although, in my opinion, the relationship was over way before it was legally finished. That’s usually the case right? The relationship is done before you’re officially separated?

As I’m sure many of you know… Divorce sucks. Every single time it happens, it sucks. No matter the circumstances, it sucks. Whether you’re the parent or the child, it sucks.

My mom calls it a DIE-vorce because in the process of divorce, part of you will die. Morbid, haha, but there’s some truth to those words.

A little about my scenario…

There is not one relationship in my immediate family that has not ended in divorce: my parents, both sets of grandparents and both sets of aunts and uncles. That’s A LOT of divorce and to top it all off, a handful of them didn’t survive due to infidelity. Now listen, I know that there are two sides of every story. I’m not taking sides here. Just because someone cheats doesn’t automatically make them a bad person, but it does come with consequences – many of which I am dealing with as a young adult.

Honestly, I didn’t realize how my family’s relationship history affected me until I started dealing with my own relationships and self worth. I like to consider myself an empathetic, understanding, level headed woman but I noticed that I was dealing with the same handful of issues with myself and with my partner and I HATED the way that I felt. Why did I feel that way and how could I change it?

Issue #1 – Is it safe to say how I really feel?

This is the first big issue I dealt with and the most prominent problem I had from age 18-22. In my family, no one ever spoke about how they really felt. If you had a problem there were two ways to deal with it: don’t talk about and sweep it under the rug to save face OR don’t talk about it and sweep it under the rug to save face but then one day you’ve bottled it up for so long that you explode and it’s a huge fight. No bueno. Granted, this is probably an issue for many people, not just those affected by divorce, but in my case I was afraid to say how I really felt because I didn’t want my partner to be disappointed in me and leave. If they did something I didn’t like or hurt my feelings, I didn’t want to voice my true feelings because they might walk away. Walk away = Divorce = Casey’s alone.

Sorry if you’re reading this parents but full disclosure here… When my parents fought, it was ugly. My dad would scream, my mom would scream, my dad would walk away and my mom would cry. Most likely because they didn’t know how to properly communicate about ANYTHING but from my perspective as a child it looked like someone was mad at the other person for saying or doing the wrong thing. So as a young adult exploring my first relationship how did I know it was safe to say how I felt? I didn’t. What if I said the wrong thing? How did I know that no matter what I did, no matter what I said, that my partner would always choose me? Which leads me to my next point.

Issue #2 – How do I know I will always be enough?

All relationships start out super fun and magical. You think the other person is the most beautiful human you’ve ever laid eyes on, every little goofy thing they do is adorable, somehow you have everything in common and every time their name pops up on the screen of your phone your heart jumps to 1000 beats per minute. But over time, you start to realize that the two of you do have differences, those goofy habits become annoying and surprise, your partner is not the only attractive person on the planet.

Things change and that’s okay! From my end, I know that I am trustworthy and once I give my heart to someone they are the one that I will work for through the good times, the hard times and so on. But how do I know that it will be reciprocated? It is absolutely one of my worst fears EVER to get married and fifteen years later my partner is extensively bored with me: That I will no longer be chosen by them; That I will be left; That something better will come along, something more fun, something new and I will be left in the dust. Hurt. Broken. Alone. I know what that looks like and I know what that feels like. What happens if I give every piece of myself to you, all of my effort, every ounce of love I have and it’s still not good enough?

Issue #3 – How do I trust you?

This is the worst one and the by far the hardest to overcome. Trust issues come along because, without even trying, you do everything possible to protect yourself from being as hurt and broken as you’ve been in the past. You do this subconsciously. It’s like an emotional survival technique one acquires through heartbreak evolution. For years I didn’t even know I was doing this… I always wanted to have a leg up on the situation, that way I could catch myself when everything crumbled or be the first to walk away so I’m not the one being left in the dust. I know how ridiculous this sounds… It’s awful! But this is how freaked out my heart was (is) about being smashed to a million pieces again.

Infidelity is poisonous. Once it’s shown it’s ugly face in your life it literally haunts you. I’m sure most people that agree to a committed relationship or marriage never think that they will be unfaithful to their partner and yet 41% of marriages have suffered from it. So, when things get really hard (and they will because this is life) how do I know that I can trust you will never act on temptation?

Today

Those feeling’s of trust insecurity are consuming but be patient with yourself. Communicate. Talk about how you feel. Talk about it until you’re blue in the face because talking everything is way more productive than talking about nothing.

How do I know you will never act on temptation? I don’t. That’s where the trust and faith part comes in. I may have never had the example of everlasting love set for me, but I have seen it. One of my best friend’s parents were together for nearly thirty years before his dad passed away and I have never seen two people be so kind and patient with each other. After all those years (and probably a lot of hard work) they were so good to each other and undeniably in love. The real thing exists people.

Divorce sucks, yes, but remember that life is a learning process. I’ve realized as an adult that I was a science experiment for my parents. They had no idea what they were doing. Shoot, half the time I have no idea what I’m doing, so how can I hold them to the expectation of doing everything perfect? Sometimes you are in a completely different place when you’re 40 than when you were 20 and that doesn’t align with your partner. Totally understandable.

Truthfully, I struggle with the issues in this post every single day. Most of the time I know how to keep myself in check but I definitely have days that are harder than others. That’s okay. Realize, that where you are is okay. You are a unique, special person with so much yourself to give and your love is like no other out there. That is more than enough! These issues take time and aggressive effort getting to know yourself inside and out. Of all the people you know so well, wouldn’t you want to know yourself the best?

“You’ll have moments when you feel like a lion, and moments when you feel like a mouse. Just know that no matter how you feel, you still have a heartbeat and a soul worthy of love, so learn to roar even when you feel small, because you are more than the feelings you may have.” – T.B. LaBerge